Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Why does your life suck? Why haven't you gotten that promotion? Why doesn't that supermodel want to marry you? It's because you don't know THE SECRET.

The Secret!

Every successful person ever in the history of the world has known THE SECRET! They just never talked about it or mentioned it in any way, and would probably have denied it if you asked them but they totally knew it. The secret is the Law of Attraction*!

*Not an actual law in the scientific, legal or any other sense of the word.

"I'm not talking to you from the point of view of just wishful thinking, or imagina-ray craz-ay-ness!"

How does it work? The first step is you think about something you want. Then the universe has to give it you, no matter what it is! It's in the contract! If it doesn't that means you aren't thinking good enough and you have to try harder (maybe try squinting really hard while thinking). It's that simple!

In other words:
Step 1: Think about something
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!

That's all there is to it! We know it's true because it happened to Aladdin (who was apparently asian; I guess the casting director was thinking a little too much about asian guys).

I know what you're thinking. "How does this possibly work? It doesn't even make sense!" Well guess what else doesn't make sense? Computers. You can't tell me how computers work, yet we use them every day. In fact, I'm typing on one right now. Are you suggesting I'm somehow beaming magical text rays out of my eyeballs onto the screen? That would just be silly.

"First of all, no one even knows what electricity is!"

Whatever you do, don't make a plan on how to reach your goal! Plans are for losers. The universe is much better at planning things than you are, and you're going to be too busy imagining things to have time to make a plan. I guess if you really want a plan, then don't make one, just think about how bad you want one, and the universe will make it for you (the plan will probably involve thinking about something until you get it).

"If you do just a little research, it is going to become evident to you that anyone that has ever accomplished anything did not know how they were going to do it."

If you aren't fully convinced yet, try this experiment and your skepticism will be washed away!

"Hold an image of talking to an old friend that you haven't seen for a long time. Somewhere or another someone's gonna start talking to you about that person, that person's gonna phone you or you'll get a letter from them."

I know it sounds amazing, but I guarantee that somebody somewhere will say something at some time about somebody you thought about once (if not, think harder)!

"Everytime you look in your mail expecting to see a bill, guess what, it'll be there."

Debt doesn't come from you spending money you don't have, debt comes from you thinking about debt! Bills aren't sent by companies whose services you have used, they're sent by the universe, responding to your brain frequencies! Bills are like closet monsters, if you don't believe in them they can't hurt you.

And don't go thinking, "I want no debt," because that has the word debt in it, which will just give you more debt! It's just like when you spend all day thinking, "Boy, I hope my abusive boyfriend doesn't beat me tonight." You and I both know what's going to happen that night. Instead you should be thinking, "Boy, I hope my abusive boyfriend brings me candy tonight!" and maybe make a list of the things you like about him.

"We've had a thousand different "diagnoses" and "disease" out there. They're just the weak link. They're all the result of one thing: stress."

"Our physiology creates disease to give us feedback, to let us know we have an imbalanced perspective and we're not loving and we're not grateful."

YOU GOT CANCER BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT CANCER! It was your own damn fault, dummy. I mean, it just makes sense. When's the last time you saw a happy person dying of a terminal illness?

Remember, don't think "I don't want cancer anymore," because you'll just get more cancer. I think in this case it's probably best to just ignore it until it goes away. Also, watch funny movies apparently.

"So if you're anti-war, be pro-peace. If you're anti-hunger, be pro-people having more than enough to eat. If you're anti-a particular politician, be pro-his opponent."

Apparently you're thinking about how you wish this post would end already, because it just did. That's okay, I have a batmobile to go think about.

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